


Dickzaster

by spiciest_author



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Hanzo Has A Bad Time, M/M, Rated M for a brief sex scene, Sex Sent Me to the ER, dumb?, hair gel as lube, on accident though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-02
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-08-14 14:13:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16494146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spiciest_author/pseuds/spiciest_author
Summary: “Lemme look,” Jesse said. Hanzo leaned back to switch on the light, and as he did, he heard Jesse inhale sharply. “Well. I think. We may need to see a doctor about this.”





	Dickzaster

**Author's Note:**

> It's 1 am. I had an idea.  
> Fun Fact: you could, theoretically, use gel as lube without realizing! It's slippery goop! But I wanted REALISM and I tried to jack off a finger w/ hair gel. So. It worked. Also my arms hurt. I have no stamina.
> 
> EDIT: Due to some confusion. I did not put hair gel on any sex organs. I put some on my right hand, and "jacked off" a finger on my left. Please only use LUBE as lube. Do not put hair gel on your dick. Thank you.

“Oh, Jesse…”  
“Good?”  
“Mm, yeah… ah… n-need lube, Jesse,”  
“Yeah, I gotcha,” Jesse mumbled, rummaging around the bedside table until his hand wrapped around a small, clear bottle. He manages to get it open without moving his other hand from its very important job of jerking off his boyfriend. Hanzo sighs with the addition of the gel. Jesse’s hand is good, and the slippery stuff just makes it better.  
Hanzo’s breathing is getting stuttery, which is Jesse’s cue to grip a little tighter. He thinks, absently, that the lube seems to be drying a little fast, before his hand scrapes as though dry and Hanzo yowls. 

“Jesse, stop, stop, ow! What was that?” he asked, cringing away from Jesse’s hand.  
“I don’t know, it dried out or something. Felt like glue almost,”  
“Glue? Jesse, what bottle were you holding?!”  
“This one! ‘S lube, ain’t it?” he asked, passing over the small container. Hanzo takes it and sighs.  
“Jesse. This is hair gel.”  
“Oh my god. I’m so sorry, Han.”  
“It’s… fine. Except it hurts very bad.”  
“Lemme look,” Jesse said. Hanzo leaned back to switch on the light, and as he did, he heard Jesse inhale sharply. “Well. I think. We may need to see a doctor about this.”  
\--  
Hanzo wants to die. Sex-related hospital visits were supposed to be Genji’s thing, not his. At least Jesse was the one actually knocking on the doors.  
“Jesse… why are you two here at 10 pm?”  
“I’d rather answer that inside, doc,” Jesse said, pulling Hanzo into Medical when Angela waves them in. Hanzo stares at the floor. Huh, the tile here is about three shades lighter than it was just outside.  
“So, what happened?” Angela asks, waving them to sit in a few chairs.  
“Well, doc. Uh. Hanzo and I were. Well, we were, um, kinda—” Jesse waved his hand nervously.  
“Having sex?”  
“Ye-yeah. And, um, well, I grabbed a bottle, an’ I wasn’t too busy readin’… and I kinda grabbed hair gel intead of lube…”  
Angela’s eyes widened in shock.  
“Is that inside—”  
“No! Nope! But, uh, we didn’t notice until it… sorta dried? And I… pulled a lil’ hard? And Hanzo is kinda suffering right now,” Jesse manages to stutter out. 

“Oh, well. As long as it’s not in anything, that makes things much easier. Mr. Shimada… I’m very sorry, but I think you’re going to have to take your pants off and lie back on that exam table,”  
“Can you kill me instead?”  
“That would violate the Hippocratic Oath,” Angela said, walking to the cabinets to get a pair of gloves. Hanzo groaned but did as she asked. He was startled by a pillow hitting his face.  
“What…?”  
“So you can cover your face, and maybe smother your shame.”  
“I will need something stronger for that.”  
\--  
Angela gets a quick okay for touching before setting about her examination.  
“Well, I will be honest, this is pretty bad. I feel rather bad for you, Mr. Shimada.”  
“Hm.”  
“It’s a nasty friction rash, but I should have some things for you.” She said, carefully lifting to check for damage.  
“Doctor. I don’t mean to rush you, but this exam is going to be much more uncomfortable for everyone soon.”  
“Just tense your left thigh as hard as you can,”  
“Fascinating,”

Angela moved away, tossing her gloves into the trash. Hanzo hesitantly pulled the pillow off his face, turning to look at Jesse with an odd combination of “help me” and “I’ll kill you”. Angela offers him a pair of topicals, one for pain and one for healing, telling him to use them often and to avoid sexual contact until it healed, and cheerfully shooed them out. 

“Jesse?”  
“Yeah, baby?”  
“You’re never touching my dick again.”  
“Aw, Hanzo!”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. I promise I'm better than this.


End file.
